She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
