my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
