So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
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