My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
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