i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
