Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
