she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Randomize
