i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
