So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
