mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
