Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
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