so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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