Banned from zoo.
Again?
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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