we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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