Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
After tacos, we're chasing women.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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