I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
