I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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