Umm I'm too high to move.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
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