FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
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