It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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