I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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