i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Randomize
