I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Randomize
