I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Randomize
