I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
