Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
My ATM looks so different sober.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
