im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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