she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
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