i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Randomize
