The best revenge is premature balding
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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