I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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