I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
