I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
Randomize
