just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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