omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
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