just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
