I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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