Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
