Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
