Pregnant stripper...not hot.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
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