Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
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