Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Randomize
