Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
