I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
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