You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
