You work out of a Hotel?
My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
