I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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