Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
