dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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