doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize
