I'm gonna have a badass scar
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Randomize
